I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Randomize
