Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
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