awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Randomize
