I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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