I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Randomize
