i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
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