Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Randomize
