Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
Randomize
