I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
You don't make any sense
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