i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
So many bounce houses so little time
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
Enjoy the penises
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
