I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
It's no shave November. This is our time.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
