the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Randomize
