So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
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