Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
Randomize
