im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
