if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
