Fuck?...well quicky, i have to study...unless you can read my book while i bang you, then it can last four chapters
I can be that talented
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Randomize
