I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Crop dusting thru forever 21
Randomize
