Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
