It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
