There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
