I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
