just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
We are two peas in an std pod
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
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