Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
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