i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
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