i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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