Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Randomize
