now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
Randomize
