So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
Randomize
