my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
Randomize
