Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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