how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
As shirtless as possible
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
