I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize
