Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
