No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
Quick, to the slutcave!
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
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