Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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