the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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