you're like a bully in the Christmas story
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
organizing the empties. That sober.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Randomize
