im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
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