I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
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