i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
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