my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
