You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
I feel great
I just peed on a car
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
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