I have demons in me.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
Randomize
