All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
