Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Edward fifth and chaser hands
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Randomize
