My Higher Power is John Stamos
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
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