This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
Randomize
