So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Fuck?...well quicky, i have to study...unless you can read my book while i bang you, then it can last four chapters
I can be that talented
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
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