The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
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